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[Nov. 16th, 2009|12:00 pm] |
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things change too quickly. i miss him most of all. |
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[Sep. 5th, 2009|03:25 pm] |
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i could have it all... |
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[Jul. 30th, 2009|05:31 pm] |
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i definitely have things on the right track but i have an itch. |
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[Jun. 15th, 2009|06:14 pm] |
if i could... i'd save you from the mess you're in :/ |
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[Jun. 12th, 2009|06:36 am] |
the line between needing and wanting you is so thin i think i've almost lost myself somewhere on the line and i can't seem to remember which side you fall on anymore.
maybe i am irritable? |
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[May. 20th, 2009|12:22 am] |
One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass.
He stuck his cock in me and said "I love you", in that exact order. Now I'm not afraid to die. 'Cause like birds and bees and bugs, they all die after they fuck.
When a horse falls, foam comes out of its mouth. When it falls, the legs of the horse thrash and the horse is no good... So somebody shoots it. The horse turns into glue. A machine puts the glue into bottles and children squeeze the bottles to get the glue out and stick bits of paper onto cards. Glue gets on the children's hands and the children eat the glue. And the children become the horse.
i love tracey berkowitz so so much. |
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| deeper and deeper |
[May. 14th, 2009|10:54 pm] |
There are many ways and many reasons for digging a hole; posts, trees, graves, even defensive positions. Excluding post holes, the methods are the same, requiring the use of a shovel, an axe, hands and a lot of physical effort. Once you dig the hole, you will have to shovel away the dirt that was scooped up by the hole.
-To dig a generic hole
1. Determine the outline of your hole.
2. If digging through grass or other land with a fibrous topsoil, stomp your shovel blade along this perimeter.
3. Continue digging by shoving the shovel vertically into the dirt and removing large bites of soil. If the soil is too hard, loosen it with the digging rod or pick.
4. When you encounter a rock, try to dig under it so that you may pry it out with the pick, digging rod, or shovel. This method also works to remove small trees or plants that are deep and difficult to remove from the ground.
5. Remove the dirt when you are done. |
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[May. 2nd, 2009|10:48 pm] |
i've surpassed my amount of alotted "crazy moments" for the rest of my life, but i'm sure there's plenty more where that's coming from.
the other day mel came back from maine... washington... maryland... wherever she came from this time-- and she called me first out of everyone to have a session. i was surprised she called me first, out of everyone in miami she could have missed (even her gf) she called me. during the session we walked around and we somehow got into the conversation of why ANYONE in the world would rather be me than steve (even i would be steve before me) because leslie and michelle said they'd rather be me. mel told me i was "real" and that's why she'd rather walk around smoking with me than anyone else in miami on her first night back. and be me over steve. i love lesbians.
no, for real, why would anyone want to be me before steve?
over the past few days i've become sad over something is obviously my fault. i guess i have no reason to be, because it's my fault and i need to be a more dedicated individual, but i try my best. i think it has taken several failures in such a short amount of time for me to get to the point i'm at but i'm at THAT point now where 'what else could possibly go wrong?' is right. |
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[Apr. 1st, 2009|04:34 am] |
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i feel really really bad right now. i cant sleep, i wake up every few minutes/hours drenched in sweat and it's been getting progressively worse over the past week. random fevers, night sweats, and agh i just feel so so sick. i need to get fixed :/ |
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[Mar. 31st, 2009|06:46 pm] |
i got tested today
negative :) |
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[Mar. 18th, 2009|08:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
i haven't slept at all since yesterday afternoon when i took a nap. honestly i don't know what's keeping me awake, but i'm wide awake and it's pretty annoying.
i've been pretty paranoid the past few weeks and it's perfectly understandable considering there's been way too much time to think, so it's pretty normal. at the same time i think i remain pretty unaffected by everything going on around me. people put themselves in the most problematic situations in order to make their lives so much more interesting lol.
at the end of the day i just feel like theres only one person (other than myself or family) worth wasting my emotions on and that won't change for a while. yesterday i just couldn't stand not smiling for everything. i swear i wasn't happy but i was at the same time, because i can finally find something worth smiling all day about. even sitting in the hospital waiting room after a big drama with christal's family, i sat in complete silence watching a movie and ultimately unaffected.
the day before yesterday i played a game with michelle, fizzy and marlene where you had to pick between two random people the other people threw out there, to kill one and to save one. when you think about it, you actually start sorting people in your mind and ranking them. its so weird thinking about your friends and family like that, because most of my friends are really on the same level. my friends are my friends, and sure i have some i can't stand and some i really love but ultimately friends are people i hang out with, share some common interests with, and trust.
on friday we were all talking about death when suddenly i started rambling in an altered state of mind how i wouldn't want my friends to remember how i died because there's no way to die that "suits" me and one of my best friends started sobbing "just thinking about it". wth i haven't really cried over a friend since either one time biscuithead went to the hospital or like when janelle & i would argue everyday. idk there's just no point unless things are really serious. |
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[Mar. 14th, 2009|03:18 pm] |
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it's a 2-way street. |
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[Mar. 11th, 2009|04:30 pm] |
i miss my DD a lot :/
hopefully broken will be easily fixed soon. |
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[Mar. 5th, 2009|09:35 am] |
i'm paranoid & insecure lately. for very good reason, but i am.
i've really realized that being someone's friend is doing them a favor, not being their friend is doing them two. i don't even pretend to like people i don't anymore lol life has been very unconventional i suppose.
i saw jigga for the first time in months the other day briefly at starbucks. alex walked from starbucks to food spot to buy a black, ran into me buying a mini-dutch, i went over to her car, tried to give her a hug through the seat, talked for a little bit, then left. this is how most of my encounters with friends has been in the past few weeks. |
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[Feb. 28th, 2009|07:19 pm] |
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it's great not being as stupid as you seem, but sometimes i wish i was. |
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[Feb. 11th, 2009|07:47 pm] |
i've definitely been keeping busy for good reasons. i'd rather be running around than sitting around stressing and waiting and thinking.
my mom always taught me that there is absolutely nobody worth dying for. that she didn't die when her brother died, when her grandmother died, or when her grandfather died-- so there must not be anyone in the world worth dying for and i believe it. wtf does anyone have to offer to lose your life over? it gets to the point where it's a bit like a "havisham-estelle" relationship.
there have only been two people, aside from family members, that i've ever cried over thinking about seriously losing and one is really worthless to me now. and the other one... that's gonna be the one to change my mind, i have a feeling. |
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[Feb. 9th, 2009|12:26 am] |
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the truth is nobody matters as much as you'd want them to. i sometimes sit and think about how cool it'd be to be able to turn on and off emotions. to one day turn to the person you love the most at the time and say "let's not give a fuck together" and turn it completely off-- that drives me crazy. |
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[Jan. 19th, 2009|12:13 am] |
these past few days have been pretty amazing. on friday i went to the mall (like i do everyday) with christal, michelle and kelly to go shopping. i ended up buying a few shirts and the main focus of that shopping trip was for kelly. i made her buy the leather pants i also made tania buy a few weeks ago, and i love it when kelly dresses up. she normally just puts on a t-shirt & jeans or her regular work clothes but on special occasions kelly dresses up and she has a completely different attitude. she walks around more confidently and you can tell she feels good because she knows she looks snazzy.
well friday night i ended up going on some intense missions with michelle & all the usual dykes. we went to eden roc, got pretty messed up on the way over there and there, and all-star finally asked tania out :) i'm so happy for tania, she's doing so much better than she was when we were all really close. i'm proud that she's given up some bad habits and she's so much happier.
saturday i ended up going to the mall again for christal & we were all sooo excited to go to the l word premiere party... but then it ended up being 21+ so we didn't even bother going. christal ended up fighting with mel, michelle got in a bad mood-- so kelly and i decided we were gonna go do our own thing for the night. we spent some time with alex and stephanie, and then went out to see one of my old friends lol :X it was a very intense night, to say the least.
today i watched the l word premiere :) but i'm upset that jenny is dead. i swear i've never been so enthralled with a character on a show before.
you know, aside from the superficial events and information that make up my everyday life, lately my mind has been running really wild with a lot and i'm beginning to seriously reconsider where i'm headed right now. i guess it comes right down to relationships, i've been doing okay but i could definitely improve on the fact that at times i get a little crazy and hurt people that i love's feelings. i'm proud that i've managed to remain completely faithful to one person for so long but i get scared sometimes. whatever, /rant. |
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