Brighter Than Sunshine

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:00:34 GMT

things change too quickly. i miss him most of all.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 19:25:25 GMT

i could have it all...

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 21:31:56 GMT

i definitely have things on the right track but i have an itch.

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 22:14:12 GMT

if i could... i'd save you from the mess you're in :/

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 10:36:58 GMT

the line between needing and wanting you is so thin i think i've almost lost myself somewhere on the line and i can't seem to remember which side you fall on anymore.

maybe i am irritable?

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 15:00:19 GMT

it feels sooooo good

Wed, 20 May 2009 04:22:12 GMT

One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass.

He stuck his cock in me and said "I love you", in that exact order. Now I'm not afraid to die. 'Cause like birds and bees and bugs, they all die after they fuck.

When a horse falls, foam comes out of its mouth. When it falls, the legs of the horse thrash and the horse is no good... So somebody shoots it. The horse turns into glue. A machine puts the glue into bottles and children squeeze the bottles to get the glue out and stick bits of paper onto cards. Glue gets on the children's hands and the children eat the glue. And the children become the horse.

i love tracey berkowitz so so much.

deeper and deeper

Fri, 15 May 2009 02:54:50 GMT

There are many ways and many reasons for digging a hole; posts, trees, graves, even defensive positions. Excluding post holes, the methods are the same, requiring the use of a shovel, an axe, hands and a lot of physical effort. Once you dig the hole, you will have to shovel away the dirt that was scooped up by the hole.

-To dig a generic hole

1. Determine the outline of your hole.
2. If digging through grass or other land with a fibrous topsoil, stomp your shovel blade along this perimeter.
3. Continue digging by shoving the shovel vertically into the dirt and removing large bites of soil. If the soil is too hard, loosen it with the digging rod or pick.
4. When you encounter a rock, try to dig under it so that you may pry it out with the pick, digging rod, or shovel. This method also works to remove small trees or plants that are deep and difficult to remove from the ground.

5. Remove the dirt when you are done.

Sun, 03 May 2009 02:48:56 GMT

i've surpassed my amount of alotted "crazy moments" for the rest of my life, but i'm sure there's plenty more where that's coming from.

the other day mel came back from maine... washington... maryland... wherever she came from this time-- and she called me first out of everyone to have a session. i was surprised she called me first, out of everyone in miami she could have missed (even her gf) she called me. during the session we walked around and we somehow got into the conversation of why ANYONE in the world would rather be me than steve (even i would be steve before me) because leslie and michelle said they'd rather be me. mel told me i was "real" and that's why she'd rather walk around smoking with me than anyone else in miami on her first night back. and be me over steve. i love lesbians.

no, for real, why would anyone want to be me before steve?

over the past few days i've become sad over something is obviously my fault. i guess i have no reason to be, because it's my fault and i need to be a more dedicated individual, but i try my best. i think it has taken several failures in such a short amount of time for me to get to the point i'm at but i'm at THAT point now where 'what else could possibly go wrong?' is right.

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 07:14:46 GMT

i love him so much

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 08:34:03 GMT

i feel really really bad right now. i cant sleep, i wake up every few minutes/hours drenched in sweat and it's been getting progressively worse over the past week. random fevers, night sweats, and agh i just feel so so sick. i need to get fixed :/

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 22:46:15 GMT

i got tested today

negative :)

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 12:22:58 GMT

i haven't slept at all since yesterday afternoon when i took a nap. honestly i don't know what's keeping me awake, but i'm wide awake and it's pretty annoying.

i've been pretty paranoid the past few weeks and it's perfectly understandable considering there's been way too much time to think, so it's pretty normal. at the same time i think i remain pretty unaffected by everything going on around me. people put themselves in the most problematic situations in order to make their lives so much more interesting lol.

at the end of the day i just feel like theres only one person (other than myself or family) worth wasting my emotions on and that won't change for a while. yesterday i just couldn't stand not smiling for everything. i swear i wasn't happy but i was at the same time, because i can finally find something worth smiling all day about. even sitting in the hospital waiting room after a big drama with christal's family, i sat in complete silence watching a movie and ultimately unaffected.

the day before yesterday i played a game with michelle, fizzy and marlene where you had to pick between two random people the other people threw out there, to kill one and to save one. when you think about it, you actually start sorting people in your mind and ranking them. its so weird thinking about your friends and family like that, because most of my friends are really on the same level. my friends are my friends, and sure i have some i can't stand and some i really love but ultimately friends are people i hang out with, share some common interests with, and trust.

on friday we were all talking about death when suddenly i started rambling in an altered state of mind how i wouldn't want my friends to remember how i died because there's no way to die that "suits" me and one of my best friends started sobbing "just thinking about it". wth i haven't really cried over a friend since either one time biscuithead went to the hospital or like when janelle & i would argue everyday. idk there's just no point unless things are really serious.

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 19:19:18 GMT

it's a 2-way street.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:31:07 GMT

i miss my DD a lot :/

hopefully broken will be easily fixed soon.

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:35:10 GMT

i'm paranoid & insecure lately. for very good reason, but i am.

i've really realized that being someone's friend is doing them a favor, not being their friend is doing them two. i don't even pretend to like people i don't anymore lol life has been very unconventional i suppose.

i saw jigga for the first time in months the other day briefly at starbucks. alex walked from starbucks to food spot to buy a black, ran into me buying a mini-dutch, i went over to her car, tried to give her a hug through the seat, talked for a little bit, then left. this is how most of my encounters with friends has been in the past few weeks.

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 00:19:17 GMT

it's great not being as stupid as you seem, but sometimes i wish i was.

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:47:39 GMT

i've definitely been keeping busy for good reasons. i'd rather be running around than sitting around stressing and waiting and thinking.

my mom always taught me that there is absolutely nobody worth dying for. that she didn't die when her brother died, when her grandmother died, or when her grandfather died-- so there must not be anyone in the world worth dying for and i believe it. wtf does anyone have to offer to lose your life over? it gets to the point where it's a bit like a "havisham-estelle" relationship.

there have only been two people, aside from family members, that i've ever cried over thinking about seriously losing and one is really worthless to me now. and the other one... that's gonna be the one to change my mind, i have a feeling.

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 05:46:53 GMT

the truth is nobody matters as much as you'd want them to. i sometimes sit and think about how cool it'd be to be able to turn on and off emotions. to one day turn to the person you love the most at the time and say "let's not give a fuck together" and turn it completely off-- that drives me crazy.

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 05:13:57 GMT

these past few days have been pretty amazing. on friday i went to the mall (like i do everyday) with christal, michelle and kelly to go shopping. i ended up buying a few shirts and the main focus of that shopping trip was for kelly. i made her buy the leather pants i also made tania buy a few weeks ago, and i love it when kelly dresses up. she normally just puts on a t-shirt & jeans or her regular work clothes but on special occasions kelly dresses up and she has a completely different attitude. she walks around more confidently and you can tell she feels good because she knows she looks snazzy.

well friday night i ended up going on some intense missions with michelle & all the usual dykes. we went to eden roc, got pretty messed up on the way over there and there, and all-star finally asked tania out :) i'm so happy for tania, she's doing so much better than she was when we were all really close. i'm proud that she's given up some bad habits and she's so much happier.

saturday i ended up going to the mall again for christal & we were all sooo excited to go to the l word premiere party... but then it ended up being 21+ so we didn't even bother going. christal ended up fighting with mel, michelle got in a bad mood-- so kelly and i decided we were gonna go do our own thing for the night. we spent some time with alex and stephanie, and then went out to see one of my old friends lol :X it was a very intense night, to say the least.

today i watched the l word premiere :) but i'm upset that jenny is dead. i swear i've never been so enthralled with a character on a show before.

you know, aside from the superficial events and information that make up my everyday life, lately my mind has been running really wild with a lot and i'm beginning to seriously reconsider where i'm headed right now. i guess it comes right down to relationships, i've been doing okay but i could definitely improve on the fact that at times i get a little crazy and hurt people that i love's feelings. i'm proud that i've managed to remain completely faithful to one person for so long but i get scared sometimes. whatever, /rant.

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 17:20:55 GMT

right now my thoughts are pretty scattered and im not so sure how i got here or what's going to happen but i feel like my life just slammed on the brakes and it's pretty stupid.

talking to stephanie about the whole situation put it into perspective better than with anyone else. she told me "look, you fucked up but this isnt the first or last time. you've been on a pretty destructive path the past few months and it was about time you stopped."

i got into a really bad accident yesterday and totalled my car, the whole situation was my fault. it all pretty much sucks a lot right now, but it's somewhat more of a wake-up call than it was tragic.

it's weird because it all felt like too much of a coincidence once it happened. like, i was with someone i wasnt supposed to be with, i was on the way to somewhere i shouldnt have been going, i was by my ex-best friends house, i was lying to a few people about where i was headed to, and it all came out once i crashed.

but whatever, it happens. all i'm left with now is the burns on my arm, no car, and a few explanations to give in the next month. i just really need to get my life on track right now because my mind has been somewhere else, and hopefully the people i love stick by my side because i can't stress enough how amazing it was that the people i actually NEEDED were there with me, or at least made sure i was okay.

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 23:04:29 GMT

i have work in about half an hour and it's killing me. while i'm tempted to jump into my uniform i'm annoyed and really don't feel like closing today, closing tomorrow, and closing the next day. the only thing to look forward to is the one shift on wednesday where i don't open or close.

it's really sad that the only thing i'm looking forward to is not opening or closing on wednesday. i really need a break from work, like a week where i just don't work at all and i'm now considering saying i'm going out of town next week. what a great idea.

the past few hours i've spent frolicking with the lesbians has brought me to realize i probably need a break from the people i've bound myself to too.

while i've always enjoyed the company of a few usual friends everyday, sometimes i feel stuck and right now i definitely don't. i feel pretty good actually about the fact that i'm not going on a "same thing, different day" routine anymore because i'm not surrounding myself with anyone in particular. i think my jealousy issues are definitely playing a part in that revelation.

i think being jealous is by far the worst feeling i've ever had (aside from having an abnormally thick piece of mulch stuck through my foot) and it bothers me. i like the no-strings-attached kind of relationships i've had with the people i now see everyday, particularly with the lesbians lol.

i have a lot of things i should take care of but haven't and the outlook of me taking care of them doesn't exactly seem likely because i've got my mind elsewhere. not meaning to leave anyone/thing hanging has, in the end, caused me to feel like i should leave everything hanging.

excessive rambling

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 04:37:30 GMT

my keychain has gotten bigger and bigger but i've begun to add more of my own things as opposed to how i had it before. the mini-flashlight from my ex-best friend = discarded. cvs card from another = discarded (i got a new one, i refuse to give up those coupons). my key caps from another = gone.

i'm still working on that tamogatchi... i just really like it so i doubt it'll be gone anytime soon.

it's weird how sometimes i sit and think about objects that may just seem ornate to others and build these metaphors and ideas and reflect back on the good times that are responsible for these objects (hanging from my keychain, sitting on my desk, hanging in my closet, decaying in a junk drawer, WHY ARE THEY EVERYWHERE).

but then, within seconds i think of the horrible things that took the good times away and i'm sad. i long for them to come back and it's just really not a good feeling at all. i want so badly to throw these things away and i don't because i'm stupid (and a pack rat, ugh).

i think a lot, and i wish i wrote these thoughts down more often but with school, work and trying to stuff my friends into the time in-between, i'm feeling un-productive and as if when i put pen to paper i don't have anything to say anymore.

oh, and my keychain is much more improved and not just a bunch of strange, random memorable objects i lug around. i added a lighter leash, a cigar splitter, and a handy little bottle of swiss navy. i'm looking for a battery to replace the year-old one i have sitting in my tamogatchi but i don't really feel like dissecting it to find out which one i need.

i've spent a lot less time at home and i miss it. i don't recall the last day i spent laying in bed wasting time. or the last time, even-- its been months.

overall, the only things really bugging me right now are that i've become so tired and mechanical that i've lost my mind. not exactly in a negative way, i just really feel as though my thoughts and priorities have been so mixed up that i haven't been able to tell or care about things. the only responsibilities i've been able to uphold are ones at work and most of them at school (let's please excuse the paper i forgot to do last week even after receiving three extensions on it and the fact that i'm so embarrassed by this that i haven't shown up to that class in two weeks). i find myself missing how careless i was in high school yet loving the fact i am in control of myself now.

making my own money is really liberating despite the hours i spend making coffee and taking unnecessarily complicated orders to make it all. i use my debit card almost every chance i get just because purchasing things with the few hundred dollars i've slaved over feels so incredible. i'm sure it's not just a fidel thing, but when i find myself with only a few dollars in my pocket now i don't even fret. i love how i spend almost every dime i've earned and don't feel guilty because it's mine and i worked for every dime i spent and you can be damn sure in two weeks i'll be spending it all over on the mountain dews i don't drink and throw out because "it's warm", the cigarette packs i only smoke half of because i give them out to friends, and the clothes i wear once and get lost in the laundry. i love not even taking my parents into consideration when spending my own money now.

i just got out of work and i have school in 5 hours UGH.

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 10:14:29 GMT

wow i haven't written here in a while.

i had the worst 18th birthday imaginable. i cut my excessively long hair. i hate my job. that's basically everything i haven't had time to write lol.

i cut my hair because it was just too much. it was cool, my hair was amazing and i loved it-- but constantly fixing it and having to maintain it was extremely annoying. it also felt like it just dragged on already. i hadn't kept a hairstyle for that long in a while, i needed to change it. and thank god i did.

my job is such a killer. i'm really tired of coming home wanting to amputate my legs because they're on fire from running around for 8 hours. i'm sick of waking up at 4:30 AM to make coffee for the three business people in miami lakes who wake up that early. i'm also really annoyed at the fact that most of the people i enjoyed working with have already left and management drives me insane.

school is pretty cool. i just wish i had more time to dedicate to join activities at school and get more involved in my studies. i definitely do not miss high school though. at all.

as far as friends go, i'm pretty content. i've grown disgustingly close to stephanie, found new friends like krystal and ronald who are pretty cool, gotten back to normal with kelly, and started hanging out with biscuithead more often (thank god). other than that, i'm kinda sad that a lot of my friends have completely disappeared since summer neared it's ending, but it's okay. everything happens for a reason i guess, and at least i have rid myself of all drama-- entirely.

i'm tired. idk why i'm awake so early when i have class at 9:30.

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 14:33:51 GMT

my birthday is coming up again, thank god. i really don't want it to come because i fear finally being 18. i'm no longer jailbait or eligible to be a baby prostitute :/

anyway, i really can't wait for my birthday considering my two best friends have been out of miami & are coming back for my birthday. biscuithead has been in colombia for an obscene amount of time and imran left to orlando on wednesday. i miss both of them A LOT so on my birthday i'll be extremely happy just to have them back.

i only wish jeannette could be here wednesday :/ she's leaving to texas sometime before then so blahh.

i'm not really asking for anything out of the ordinary for my birthday. i actually only asked my family for a macbook and money (since my paychecks are horrible lately).

blahlala, i'm so glad to be done with school for the summer. i go back the 25th, but by then i'll have enough time to relax. my only real worry is work now.

i have a new room. it feels kinda awkward having this new room because it's delilah's, then denise's, then deana's old room. i painted it green and slowly i'm moving my stuff from my old room to the new one. i barely have anything in that room yet, but it's a lot calmer and i reallyyy like it more.